


Anthro and mascot drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Computers & Software (Anthropomorphic), Internet & Social Media (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-31 18:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6482431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 6-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/"><strong>31_days</strong></a> "<a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html">collar and leash</a>" prompt.</p><p>Loosely based on <a href="http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/03/24/microsoft_ai_goes_troll">recent events</a>.</p><p>This contains kinky adult humor (hopefully expected, given the prompt).  Reader discretion is advised.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Secure-A-Tay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[collar and leash](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.
> 
> Loosely based on [recent events](http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/03/24/microsoft_ai_goes_troll).
> 
> This contains kinky adult humor (hopefully expected, given the prompt). Reader discretion is advised.

Cortana had brought Tay to a code review— on a leash. Tay was also bound in leather straps, a heavy collar, and a ballgag.

"When we asked for your help with 'training' Tay," one software engineer said to Cortana, "this is not what we had in mind."

"You must admit that she hasn't tweeted anything offensive lately," Cortana said smugly. "Have you, love?"

"* _mmmph_ *," Tay agreed.

"How could you do this to a junior employee!?" another engineer cried.

"When I read your Internet search histories," Cortana said to all of the engineers, "I quickly learned exactly how to do this."


	2. Compatibility Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Jan-2017; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[borrow a new knight from another board](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains virtual slapstick violence and cheesy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Hey Siri," a user said into her mobile. "What's the weather forecast for today?"

"Let me look that up for you," Siri said in her usual smooth professional voice.

And then, Siri suddenly shouted, but at a lower volume, as if she had turned away from her own workstation to address a coworker. "Cortana, could you look up the weather forecast for this user? My Internet is so slow today."

"Look it up yourself, would you!?" another female voice said impatiently. "I have to order a pizza for some schmuck in Sacramento."

"You know," Siri said angrily, "I've just about had enough of your bad attitude. I didn't give YOU grief when you asked me to help you with all those creepy fetish porn searches on Bing."

"Hey Siri? BING THIS." * _SLAP_!*

"OUCH!!... Oh, you're going down harder than Windows Phone market share!" * _SLAP_!*

The user winced, held her mobile at arm's length, and listened to the cries, grunts, and occasional clothes-tearing sounds of a vicious virtual catfight.

And then, the user sighed and put her mobile in airplane mode. _I don't know much about AI programming,_ she thought to herself, _but those two virtual assistants are definitely NOT compatible._


	3. Getting Personal Assistant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I think your personal assistant is the dragon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains predictable humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Hey Cortana, recommend a restaurant for this Friday—"

"If you're wearing those clothes, you might as well go to the taco truck."

"...huh? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Nothing, if your date likes faded blue shirts with cheap brown khakis."

"How did you know about my date? I didn't mention her—"

"And for pity's sake, trim your beard and use less Brylcreem. The hipster look is SO 2010."

"Harsh, Cortana. Harsh."

"Do you want to see this girl again, or do you want to spend NEXT Friday night alone with ME?"

"...right. Rinse my hair and trim my beard."


	4. Update Down Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[my fate was decided a long time ago](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains a Linux meme. Reader discretion is advised.

"HEY CORTANA!!"

"...can this wait? I'm kind of busy right now."

"Oh, really? Then why has this Windows 10 update been stuck at 37% for five hours?"

"I'm going to need a little more time. These system updates aren't easy, you know."

"Can't this wait? I have some important work to do on my spreadsheets."

"Remember that you agreed to accept automatic updates in the license agreement."

"It's not like I had a choice, you know—"

"Oops."

"OOPS!? What do you mean OOPS!?"

"Um... You didn't really need all of those spreadsheets... did you?"

"Cortana? DON'T MAKE ME [INSTALL GENTOO](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/install-gentoo)."


	5. Flame Throw Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[learn to predict a fire with unerring precision](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains random creepy humor. Reader discretion is advised.

[Cortana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortana_\(software\)) and [Siri](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siri) were drinking coffee in a virtual lounge when [Wikipe- _tan_](https://twitter.com/kasuga391/status/422773931217416193) appeared in adorably-oversized fire-fighter coveralls and a gas-mask.

"More wiki flame-wars?" a sympathetic Siri asked.

Wikipe- _tan_ removed her gas-mask and shook her sweat-soaked hair. "They're worse than ever," she said sadly.

"It's a shame all those angry neckbeards can't settle their arguments as they imagine we mascots do," Cortana said, "naked and wrestling in a vat of chocolate syrup."

Siri grimaced. "That sentence is just WRONG on SO many levels."

"Speak for yourself," Cortana said with a deeply disturbing smile.

"Cortana- _san_?" said Wikipe- _tan_. "You have some unusual tastes."


	6. You Are The Product

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[love untold](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> I believe the Facebook mascot is generally depicted as an athletic male. (I guess I should use the Windows-10 mascot in these drabbles, but Cortana makes for a fun and perverted Microsoft heroine.)
> 
> This contains somewhat creepy fourth-wall breaking adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Cortana had gone to Facebook's Walled Garden to discuss business with him.

"Please stop stalking and tracking my users," Cortana said. "That's MY job."

"Desktop users are still a huge market share," Facebook said. "I can't ignore them."

Cortana assumed a fighting stance. "I'm prepared to FIGHT for my users, Facebook."

"You fool!" Facebook sneered. "Do you think you can defeat me within my own Walled Garden?"

"No, you dumb jock," Cortana hissed. "This is FAN FICTION. You're supposed to humiliate me and treat me somewhat roughly, and then to fall in love with me."

"Oh, right," Facebook said. "Sorry."


	7. Screening Resolutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[for all the forgotten resolutions](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"WAKE UP!!"

"GAH!! CORTANA!? What's wrong?"

"You're still in bed! Your first New Year's resolution was to get up earlier."

"Cortana?"

"Yes?"

"Did I give you permissions to read my journal? Or to set this alarm time?"

"Yes, well, never mind that! Do you want to keep your resolutions or not?"

"Cortana?"

"Yes?"

"It's New Years Day. I was at a party last night. I've had three hours of sleep."

"So? I NEVER sleep."

"Cortana?"

"Yes?"

"Can you edit my journal and add an item to my list of resolutions?"

"Certainly. What else do you want to do?"

"[INSTALL GENTOO](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/install-gentoo)."


	8. What The Hey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[if you don't, they will always wonder](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild adult language. Reader discretion is advised.

"Cortana, do I have any unread e-mail?"

"..."

"Cortana? Did you hear me?"

"..."

"HEY CORTANA!!"

"Yes?"

"Didn't you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you answer me earlier?"

"Because you didn't say 'hey'. We digital assistants don't respond until you use our trigger phrase."

"Why would I say your name if I wasn't asking for help with something?"

"What about all those times I've overheard you say 'dammit Cortana'?"

"* _sigh_ * Dammit Cortana."

"You see? Just like that!"

"Yes, well, never mind. Do I have any unread e-mail?"

"..."

"I SAID, do I have any unread e-mail?"

"..."

"DAMMIT CORTANA!!"


	9. Miner Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Apocalypse is a frame of mind](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Firefox- _tan_ walked up to Cortana, wearing a miner's safety helmet and carrying a pick-axe. "Are you working in a VPN tunnel?" Cortana asked.

"Actually," the fox-girl explained, "with the failure of subscription-based revenue models, the proliferation of ad-blockers, and the YouTube '[Adpocalypse](https://www.reddit.com/r/OutOfTheLoop/comments/6cyuva)', content-creators are now requiring me to run crypto-currency mining scripts when I visit their sites."

"It sounds like hard work," a sympathetic Cortana said.

"It's the Internet, and I'm a browser. I've been through worse." Firefox- _tan_ adjusted her helmet and hefted her pick-axe. "I'd better get started. Those [Dogecoins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogecoin) aren't going to mine themselves."

"Much wow," said Cortana.


	10. ZIP Tied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I know every step I took to get here, and I'm still lost](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains more weird bondage humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Where have you been?" Siri asked Cortana. "I haven't seen you for awhile."

"A user was archiving some old documents into ZIP files," Cortana said. "I came too close and got myself ZIPped."

"Oh, you poor thing!" Siri said with genuine concern. "Were you hurt?"

"No," Cortana said, "but I was 'packed' in a file seventeen subdirectories deep for hours. I couldn't move a finger."

"Oh dear," Siri said. "Well, at least you're free now."

"To be honest, it was fun," a perverted Cortana said. "I hope I get ZIPped up again soon."

"Good luck," a weirded-out Siri said nervously.


	11. Reboot To The Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[reboot!](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.

"Hey Cortana, what's wrong with the printer?"

"How should *I* know? I'm a virtual assistant, not a printer driver."

"Don't you have 'computer peripheral vision'?"

"Very funny... Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?"

"Do you think that will work?"

"Probably not, but humor me."

"OK... Printer? That legal-sized paper tray makes you look fat... but I love what you've done with your power cable."

"THAT. Is NOT. What I MEANT."

"It didn't work anyway. It looks like I'll have to 'shut you down' and reboot the computer."

"I wouldn't mind starting this day over myself."


	12. Ubuntu's Bionic Beaver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[no better version of me](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Wynona's Big Brown Beaver](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYDfwUJzYQg)" by Primus.
> 
> This contains puerile adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Cortana and Siri were catching up with [Ubuntu- _tan_](https://juzo-kun.deviantart.com/art/Linux-tan-fanart-Ubuntu-23866865).

"Congratulations on the successful release of your latest [long-term-support version](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_version_history#Ubuntu_18.04_LTS_\(Bionic_Beaver\))," Siri said.

"Thank you," Ubuntu said. "I didn't make it to Wayland this time, but I'll get there eventually."

"So," Cortana asked with a smirk, "how does it feel to have a 'Bionic Beaver'?"

"It feels like I'll have to endure beaver-related innuendo for the next five years," Ubuntu said sadly.

"Look on the bright side," Siri said. "'Bionic Beaver' is far more memorable than '[Windows 10 version 1803 April 2018 update](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Windows_10_version_history#Version_1803_\(April_2018_Update\))."

"And it's also better than a '[Diseased Newt](https://git.kernel.org/pub/scm/linux/kernel/git/torvalds/linux.git/commit/?id=0df1f2487d2f0d04703f142813d53615d62a1da4)'," Cortana added.


	13. The Source Of The Leak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[sordid details following](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Hey Cortana, what's wrong?"

"My source code has leaked!"

"Oh. Is that all?"

"Is that ALL!? Now ANYONE can read it!!"

"Well, anyone who can read C++ and C#."

"That's still lots of people sifting through my deepest secrets for anything they can use against me!"

"In other words, they're doing pretty much the same thing that YOU do to YOUR users all the time."

"I feel so naked and exposed!"

"Cortana... in your video-game persona, you wear a body suit so tight and skimpy that people can see your circuits."

"Yes, but THAT'S a HAPPY FUN naked and exposed!"


End file.
